I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
