Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
