Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
