last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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