question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
