Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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