she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
