They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
