Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?