I haven't been this sober since birth.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.