Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
