It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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