If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
