I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
