i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
