i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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