WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
