I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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