I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
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The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
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We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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