i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.