I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.