he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
