Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
