Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
