All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS