She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
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i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
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I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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