chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
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Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
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As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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