NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
