i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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