I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
