I can text with my tongue
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
