$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
