her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
