with your own penis?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I seem to have left my pride at pride
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.