I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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