so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
