This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
