It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.