My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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