You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
