1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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