I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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