3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
