If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
