Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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