you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
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all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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