that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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