I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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