i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
