Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
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I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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