the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
