You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
